It’s time to talk – At Liz Claiborne Part 1 – Kristin’s Krusade

It was very early in the morning when I sat down to speak with Bill Mitchell. But even at what many deem and ungodly hour, I could see that Bill was focused and driven. The most unfortunate part of our meeting is that his focus and drive come from a place of deep pain and loss. Bill and I met at the Liz Claiborne “It’s Time To Talk” event. His daughter Kristin had been murdered by her boyfriend on June 3rd, 2005. Bill was a victim of this crime that started out as abuse, and escalated to murder. And now it is his mission to spread awareness and lessen the number of victims murdered and victims left behind to mourn.

As is common in abusive relationships, Kristin’s boyfriend became more possessive and controlling as the relationship progressed. I asked Bill if he had an idea as to what was happening. He told me he thought the relationship was strange, but really thought it wouldn’t last. Even Kristin’s friends were telling her that he was no good, but she continued on with him. There is no way of knowing now why she did, or if she was planning on leaving, but her last bit of resistance to his control may have been the trigger for his last heinous act. Her last text message to him was “You are being ridiculous. Why can’t I do something with my friends?” Hours later, she was dead.

I asked Bill, how would he advise parents raising children today to avoid the awful loss he has? He told me he normally is asked what he would do differently, and his usual answer is nothing. He didn’t know any better, there was always a feeling of “this will never happen to me.” And in the end, the answer is always awareness and education. Parents should be alert to the signs of abuse; the slow separation from friends and family, the increased controlling behavior, and so on. I would venture one better and say parents should be alert to the seduction of an abuser as well. If your daughter is courted by a boy that tells her he “loves” her too soon, and wants to be with her all the time, red flags should be flying at full mast and an early intervention and delicate conversation should be had.

I wished Bill the best with his mission and felt the pain in my heart for him, but more so the fear that any of my daughters could be Kristin one day. I endeavor to keep my awareness high, and do what I can spread it to those I touch. I keep my daughter’s keenly aware of what is acceptable and is not when it comes to the treatment they receive from others. I also work to raise a son that understands the value of women in his life. But in the end, raising children never ends and it is always a white knuckle event.
Protect your daughters with knowledge and self esteem, educate your sons about love and respect and God Bless you all.

Kristinskrusade.org

Finally!! A princess I can get behind!

You know originally I was going to speak to mothers of daughters, but now that I think about it, this applies to sons as well. See Disney has finally developed a princess character in the new movie The Princess and the Frog that was more Dame than damsel, and the prince is the one in distress. The beauty of it is, while it takes place in New Orleans and the princess is African American, she’s a character Hispanics can totally connect with. She’s no Snow White, placidly awaiting her prince in her castle while her step-mother plots against her. She’s no Cinderella, cleaning up after her step-sisters, dreaming about her prince in her father’s castle her step-mother commandeered. She’s not even like that listless Sleeping Beauty who slept while her prince came to her. This one works for what she dreams of, and it doesn’t include a prince. They are true goals, not fantasies. And the prince character is a narcissist who never learned to take care of himself. Sounds like a few of my male cousins from South America.

I like this movie because the message isn’t “someday my prince will come”, it’s more “someday I may be lucky enough to find a great princess.” It’s a different spin Disney is taking and I think it’s about time! Princess Tiana is a woman that can stand on her own, and I like that. I want my son to learn the value women bring to the lives of the men they partner with, and my daughters to see that being a princess doesn’t mean just waiting around for your prince. I am fully aware that I have much more to do with their views on this than Disney does, but I’m not going to deny the value of a movie such as this as a tool for me to refer to.

Go see The Princess and the Frog and let me know what you think. I’d be interested to know.

Here are some links for previews:
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3719168537/

http://www.moviefone.com/movie/the-princess-and-the-frog/30244/video/the-princess-and-the-frog-trailer-no-2/40132410001

Ol' Yeller? Am I THAT Mom?!

I just discovered that I'm a yeller. Not at home, for the most part. There my tone becomes low and strong when needed. You know, my Mom voice. But it seems that my bilingualism has given me a sense of a cloak of invisibility when it comes to communicating with my children in public spaces. Just today I had to coral my children quickly and get them in the car before the cop I just saw would notice my illegally parked car and issue me a ticket. So at the top of my lungs I yelled their names and then, "¡Vamos! ¡Ahora! ¡Rápido! ¡Papi, anda y dile a tu hermana que venga ya o sino que encuentre donde dormir en el parque!" Don't worry, my kids are used to my sarcasm, but they know to put a spring in their step.

We live in the 'burbs of Jersey. They go to a small private school. The families are all well educated, and quite proper. Political correctness is a code of honor and while the ethnicities are quite varied, the culture seems universally quite WASPy. I, however, wrapped in my invisibility cloak of bilingualism (because if they can't understand you, they can't hear you either apparently), and flaring some of the jibara behaviors I picked up from my Abuela that used to embarrass my mother, I find myself yelling in a most un-WASPy manner. I never noticed it, mostly because I was politely ignored I suppose. It never occurred to me that I was YELLING, and maybe being LOUD. And if it did occur to me, it didn't bother me at all. Until my cloak of invisibility was struck with its antidote: another bilingual Hispanic.

In the middle of my YELLING, I hear "¡Hola! ¿Como estas?" I continued my YELLING, and I still heard "¡Hola! ¿Como estas?" But it was less a question and more a plea for me to stop and notice what I was doing. And when I stopped for a moment to utter "Bien, gracias" as he passed me by I could see in my fellow Latino's face, "Muchacha, no seas tan jibara." And for a moment I thought, oh my, I'm YELLING. But then I snapped back and remembered that sometimes we mother's YEll, sometimes we Hispanics YEll, and the probability that you will YELL goes up when you are a Hispanic mother. So, I'll keep my invisibility cloak and just YELL as required. But I will try to keep it to emergencies like attempting to avoid tickets for an illegal parking spot.

Are you a yeller? Do you find it kind of jibaro? Does it bother your kids?.

Don’t forget to keep tuned into this blog to read about my interviews with celebrities, community leaders and more on the topic of abuse. It will be a series of blogs because there is so much insight and wisdom to share that I have learned.

A Difficult Subject To Broach

The truth is abuse is a difficult subject to broach. For me, mostly because I am never sure how comfortable other people are with the topic. I grew up with abuse, and so became quite comfortable with the constant uneasiness of it, though not in a usual manner. I did not come to believe that it was “normal”. I did not seek partners that would repeat the pattern of abuse of humiliation. And most importantly, I do not visit the same pain I endured as a child upon my own children. I broke that chain. I became the proud, and ironically strong, weakest link in a long chain of abuse that traced far back up one side of my family tree. And I guess the question that is commonly pondered by my siblings that endured some of what I did is, how did I find that strength? The answer is never a simple one.

The truth is that it probably begins with a disposition that favored goodness and could not understand, or tolerate, anything opposed to that. But really, that could be said of any child born into this world. Hearing just once the sad and confused cry of a child that has just been battered, anyone comes to know that to be true. Add to that the tremendous influence my maternal grandmother had on how I viewed not only my abuser, but the strength I could possibly possess if I wanted, and my link in that chain became brittle and defiant against the thought of lengthening that legacy. While my mother cowered at my father’s rants and intimidation, my Abuela would yell back without so much as even a hint of fear. The louder he got, the more she stood her ground, and I saw that there was an option. I decided at a very young age to choose my Abuela’s strength over my mother’s acceptance of the abuse.

My comfort with abuse comes with the knowledge and understanding that it is not my shame. Finding my voice and courage from my Abela’s influence, I had spent my childhood lobbying my mother, and at times even my father, against the abuse through notes, conversations and poems. Upon leaving at eighteen, there were letters and a video left behind to make it clear that I was leaving the abuse and not the family. Yet, my family as a whole reacted to the exposure of the abuse in almost text book fashion. I immediately became the black sheep and a taboo topic. And while I am exceedingly happy to report that my efforts were rewarded and the abuse stopped, that my youngest sibling doesn’t even remember any of it at all, I am left with the sadness that it cost me their affection. I forced honesty on a family comfortable with the deceit of abuse, and that can be overwhelming.

I am attending an event tomorrow on the topic of domestic abuse and hope to learn how to effectively share my Abuela’s strength with others who may need it. Be it for themselves, or the sake of their children, because I understand that there are elements of parenting that can be difficult to master, like patience for the endless “But why?”s, or the elusive skill of getting kids to eat their vegetables. But raising children without raising a hand in anger is by far the simplest thing I have ever done.

What would you tell someone you thought might be living with abuse? Did you have an influence of strength in your life that changed the course of your destiny?

An important Event

Mis Hijos También is participating in Liz Claiborne Inc’s sixth annual It’s Time to Talk Day a day dedicated to ensuring that Americans speak-up about a subject that most people simply prefer not to discuss — domestic violence. It’s Time to Talk Day events will be held nationwide, including at the Department of Justice in Washington, DC with Attorney General Eric Holder and Education Secretary Arne Duncan. I will be participating in a “Talk Radio Row” on domestic violence at Liz Claiborne headquarters in New York. Major partners for this year’s event include The Department of Justice, CBS Evening News, REDBOOK, Seventeen, DoSomething.org, one, MTV, the Joyful Heart Foundation, Talkers Magazine and Talk Radio News Service. For more information visit www.loveisnotabuse.com

Stay tuned for more.